hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
