I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
