Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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