At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize