Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My feet surprised me
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
