I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
