I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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