K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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