I just pynch a tree in the face
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
