Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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