She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
