i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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