dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
