I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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