I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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