fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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