She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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