final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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