my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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