Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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