good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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