I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize