Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
