I'm laying in your front yard are you home
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize