I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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