So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
