What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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