My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
