i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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