you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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