Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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