I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
