just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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