I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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