you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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