she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Four minutes until I can fart!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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