I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
