guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
