I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
