My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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