____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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