I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
