I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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