oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
