So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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