It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
