Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize