We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
