my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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