i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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