your thong is hanging out like whoa
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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