i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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