I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
