You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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