Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I intend to get homeless drunk
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
