I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
