You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
