she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
