All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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