She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
