after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
