Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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