Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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