How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize