I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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