I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
